The night was cold, the streets were empty, and the news had announced that the typhoon just made a landfall.
They also said it was safer to stay home. And so, I did.
And I’m glad I did.
Balled up in the living room in front of the TV, volume on low despite of the loud crashing sound of hard rain on my roof and windows, I sat and delighted the moment. Sitting on the couch in a comfortable oversized shirt, sipping on a nice cup of hot cocoa. It was a simple pleasure, really, but I enjoyed the moment. Because for the first time in three days, I was finally able to spend some time alone, without anyone asking questions, without anyone judging me.
The silence of the moment was disrupted by the undertone buzzing of my phone on vibrate mode. It lit up denoting someone was trying to reach me through a phone call. Thus, I bent to pick it up and quickly glanced at the screen. Upon seeing the caller ID, however, I decided to switch the gadget off.
I wasn’t anywhere near ready to speak with him again.
About six missed calls later, Sergio finally decided to put a stop at his attempts. And yes, I was relieved for a few minutes.
You see, I wasn’t avoiding him because I hated him. I wasn’t avoiding him because I was angry with him. It wasn’t anything like that. I was avoiding Sergio because I knew that once I let him talk me into fixing it, there was no way I could say no.
And I had to say no. I’d had enough of saying yes and I had to learn to say no.
But it wasn’t easy. For the past three nights since we called it quits, I’d been fighting the strong urges to call him. Just to hear his voice again, see how he’s holding up, see how I could hold up without bursting into tears at the sound of him on the phone. Pathetic, I know. But well, leaving someone we love is something our hearts aren’t made for. Sometimes his machine would pick up, you know? And I’d stay on the line just listening to his pre-recorded message.
Because I miss him. So fucking much.
But these random acts of frustration, I kept to myself. I never said anything about it to anyone, never talked about how I felt about the split. God, everyday without Sergio was a struggle. Waking up knowing we wouldn’t be spending the day together, that I could no longer call him whenever I wanted, that I no longer had a right what he does with his life, it was like having my heart taken out of my chest with someone’s bare hand.
I loved him.
I still love him.
TOK TOK TOK
I didn’t get up the couch immediately, unsure if the knocking sounds I heard were even coming from my door. It sounded weak, soft, almost an ashamed kind of knocking.
TOK TOK TOK
Once the same pattern of knocks resounded through the wooden door, I slowly got up, placed my cup of cocoa on the center table and walked to check who it could be. I didn’t have a peep hole, so I had no choice but to open up.
I gasped at the sight of him. My heart’s beating picked up its pace unbelievably fast and I could feel its every ‘thud’ as I stood frozen by the doorframe. I should have known he was going to try to do this, I thought to myself. He couldn’t get me to pick up the phone calls, so he tried his luck getting me to pick up the door instead.
"Sergio." I uttered ever so softly, as I gazed at him, surprised to see him in such state. Soaked from head to toe, red eyes, jaws moving as though he was clenching his teeth.
"Hhh-hello." he uttered very softly. His lips were quivering and I could tell he was freezing. "Mmmmay I…cccome in?"
I smelled alcohol as he spoke. And once I did, I hesitated. I couldn’t believe he was on it again. Clearly drunk, smashed enough to not be able to drive himself anywhere. If he had to walk in the rain to get to my apartment, and if I knew Sergio, he consumed more than he could handle. Again.
And so I had second thoughts. God knows what he’d do this time.
See, I knew I had no more right to get mad that he was drinking so much. We’re broken up, he could swim in liquor if he wanted to. But God, it was just so frustrating. I wanted to blame someone, you know? I wanted to blame me, but I knew it wasn’t my fault. No one wanted it to happen and there was nothing anyone could do.
The drinking started six months ago. But before that, we were happy. God, we were so happy. We were engaged, we were in love, and I was three months pregnant.
But then, I lost the baby.
Since then, things were never the same. It began with him distancing himself, often spending time alone, he became eerily quiet, and then he began to drink. He refused professional help so I decided I had to exert all effort to help him. We were engaged, goddammit, we were supposed to get married. But my efforts were no use. Soon, it started happening. Late night-outs without me, nasty photos of him pissing at public walls, speeding tickets, and there were rumors of women on the side, but he swore they weren’t true. And I trusted they weren’t true. I knew Sergio and I knew he loved me. And this is why I didn’t give up on doing what I could to get him to quit the alcohol habit. Unfortunately, it wasn’t easy. Depression ate him, and soon, the drinking got worse, he started lying about it, we started fighting about it, and one day, it just got out of control. He came home smashed one night, as usual. When I expressed how disappointed I was by refusing to sleep with him, he accused me of cheating, and when I said no, he hit me.
I spent not another minute, locked myself in the bathroom with the phone and called his brother for help.
So you’d understand why I had second thoughts of letting him in. But I guess when you see someone you love in a state like that, and you know there was no one else he’d run to —- and he chose to run to you and now pleading to be allowed in….God, my heart still screamed his name because I couldn’t love anyone else like I love Sergio, I just couldn’t take it to say no.
"Course." I said, opening the door wider for him.
"Thank you." he mumbled as he stepped in.
I took a deep breath as I closed the door gently. And before I could fully turn to face him, I felt a pair of strong hands crawl around my waist from behind.
Next thing I knew, Sergio was holding me in his arms in a tight embrace, his face buried at the side of my neck.
"I miss you." I heard him whisper into my ear. "God fucking dammit, I miss you."
"Sergio…" I breathed out. Pained by the decision to pull away from him, I felt my tears build up. "Stop."
"Baby…" he whispered, my name escaping his lips. He pulled me tighter and refused to let go. The tip of his nose lightly brushed over my ear as he held me. As Sergio pulled me closer to him. "Baby, I’m sorry. I’m sorry, please come back to me, I can’t without you."
His touch was possessive, as though to tell me I still belonged to him.
"You can’t just do things like this, Sergio." I softly answered, "You can’t just show up here like this and do say things…" I had to stop momentarily, trying to hold back my tears. It was so hard fighting the urge to give in. Shit, I loved him so much. I love him so goddamn much I could just forget everything and we could move forward. But then it doesn’t work like that. Sergio had to understand that he needed to change if we were to have a future together.
Still holding me tight in his arms, him behind me, I took a deep breath and closed my eyes.
"I think you should go." I uttered. Nevermind that he was freezing, that it was raining insanely hard outside, that he was drunk and it wasn’t a good idea to send him out into the night like that. I was this close from giving in, this close from believing he was sorry again, even if I knew it was a lie and that the drinking wouldn’t stop and the hitting may happen again, or worse, get worse.
"Please, Sergio…" I said softly, calmly. This time placing my hands on his, trying to get him to unclasp them. "Let go."
It seemed my words worked like magic. He released me and I felt relieved for a moment. But then just as I was to grab the doorknob to lead him out, I felt him grab my arm. He pulled me to him, this time our faces inches from each others’. Before I could even realize what just happened, Sergio’s hand went to the back of my neck and he surged forward to kiss me.
His open mouth landed on mine, his tongue heading straight for my tongue.
Fuck, the way he started kissing me immediately sent shivers down my spine. His lips were so soft, wet, full, but strong. And the way he made circles inside my mouth with his tongue, it was enough to disable me from thinking straight.
Damn, the kiss was so good. It was too fucking good that I found myself welcoming him by opening my mouth wider. Fuck this, I thought to myself, letting go of my inhibitions. I realized I was too weak to refuse him. I missed him so much, and I needed Sergio.
Thus, I let him go on. He sucked on my lips in between kisses, moaning deeply as he gobbled my mouth.
Moments later, he pulled back gently, but just enough so we could catch out breaths. “Baby, I’m so sorry…” he whispered. I could see him biting his teeth together, making his jaws move. “I didn’t mean to, baby, I’m so sorry I hurt you.”
I bit my lip at the sound of his voice, completely ready to forgive him already, but I tried not to show it. All I wanted was for us to get back together and be like we were before, but I also wanted him to realize I couldn’t make us work if I was going to try all by myself.
"Don’t you love me anymore?" I heard him voice out softly. "Don’t you want me anymore?"
I brought my eyes to gaze at his face. God he’s so beautiful. “Sergio, you know I do.” I answered. “But it —-“
He didn’t let me finish talking. Before I could say the rest of my sentence, I felt his right hand move to firmly run his palms up my right thigh, lifting my oversized shirt. Exploring my skin with his bare hands, stroke the side of my torso all the way up until he reached my right breast.
"Uhhhhh" I gasped, before biting my lip at the delicious pain. Sergio’s hands were perfect. God, they were perfect.
Upon seeing I liked what he just did, his left hand moved to do the same with my left breast. He slowly backed us up to the wall in the hallway, and soon, he was kneading in a steady pace, thumbing my hardened nipples now and then.
"Ffffuck…" I breathed out, enjoying it under his touch. Fuck, I missed it. I missed the way he pressed his toned body against mine, like he just started doing. I missed the way he’d kissed me while he explored my body with his hands. The way he’d lean over to my ear to tell me how much he wanted me.
"You have no idea how much I’d been thinking of you, baby." He said lustily, a bit garbled because of the alcohol, but just as teasing. "You don’t know how crazy it’d been driving me. Fuck, I need you. I need to feel you. I need to be inside you, dammit, I want you."
Quicker than I could digest his words, Sergio’s hands abandoned my breasts, grabbed the hem of my oversized shirt, and eagerly, with much speed and force, took the clothing off me.
I felt the cold rush of motionless air touch my skin and I let out a short, soft hiss. I was breathing heavily now, almost naked, with nothing but my underwear and Sergio’s massive hard-on pressing against my dripping pussy.
"Uhhhh, fuck!!!" I moaned, as I felt him touch my cunt, his fingers playing with my wetness, my underwear’s fabric rubbing against my clit and adding to the pleasure of the grazing pain.
I was disappointed with myself for caving in, but I couldn’t bring myself to stop him. I knew I needed him, I knew I wanted him back just the same, and no matter how I denied it to myself and Sergio, I believed we both knew we loved each other too much to just let us go like that.
The kissing continued. His hands momentarily leaving the center of my thigh to touch and explore the rest of my body as our mouths ate each others’. We kept it going like that, both of us now grabbing one another as we tracked the hallway to the living room. He’d lose his balance several times and would almost fall over me but it didn’t break our kiss. Once in the living room, we crashed on the couch where I was just moments ago, all alone.
"I want you from behind." he slurred, temporarily taking his hands off me to undo his belt.
I wasted no time and felt no hesitation. I turned, went on all fours with my hands resting on the couch’s arm, all ready for Sergio.
I could hear him pull his zipper down and his heavy breathing told me he couldn’t wait to get inside me, either. “Fuck, you’re dripping wet for me, baby…” he muttered under his breath as he was probably looking at my pussy from behind. God, I was very much in need of Sergio that I’d whimper and I arched my back while I waited for him, my way of showing I was ready to fuck.
"Uhhhhhhhhh!!! Fuck! Sergio!!!!" I screamed as he entered me from behind without warning. And like a dog in heat, he waited no more, paused not a minute to adjust and instead just started pounding his massive dick so deep into me.
"Fuck, you feel so fucking good…" he muttered, teeth together. "Uhhhh, shit, your fucking pussy’s so hot inside baby, god fucking dammit you drive me crazy…."
I could feel the eagerness and determination with every thrust. Sergio was slamming into me so hard, so deeply it was almost painful. It almost hurt.
His size was no joke. His was massive. Sergio was fucking huge. And to have him slide in and out of me, although I was insanely wet, when he was pounding me almost angrily, almost violently, hungrily and with much force, it felt like he could break my vagina and rip its insides.
"Take me back, baby." he breathed out, his hands grabbing my hips and pulling me to him so he could go deeper as he went in and out of me. "Say it. Say you’ll take me back. We can do this, baby, I’d do you like this all the fucking time just fucking take me back and imma give you what you want."
"Sergio…" was all I could breathe out. Hypnotized by the delicious pain of his every thrust, I found it difficult to for even a single sentence.
Without his speed, pace and pressure faltering, he kept on slamming into me. I couldn’t stop moaning, it was all I could do. “Tell me you love me.” he uttered, gently at first. But when he heard no response from me, “I said fucking tell me!!!”
Seconds later, he abruptly stopped thrusting. Too abrupt, I whimpered loudly and began to move my hips, grinding while he was inside me. “Don’t stop. Please, fuck me…”
"Tell me you love me." To my surprise, Sergio held on my hips and squeezed a little. His voice sounded rather a bit threatening, his tone deep and low. "Tell me you love me and you want me back."
My head began to spin. It was happening again, the violence. But shit, he was throbbing inside me, my pussy was all wet and pulsating, needing to be fucked. “Shit, Sergio, just fucking do me!!!” I whimpered.
"Uhhh!!!" God bless him, he started thrusting again. But this time, he teased me by going in and out in excruciatingly slow pace. So slow started to drive me wild. "Baby fuck me harder. Por favor, baby, faster. Deeper, Sergio, I want you dee—-"
"Tell me." he uttered, still torturing me by very slowly sliding in and out of my pussy. "You love me."
"Fuck, I do!" I finally yelled. I couldn’t hide it no more, my body and soul’s need for Sergio. My love for him. "I love you, baby and I never stopped! I love no one but you, and I ha—-"
The moment I said the words, he began slamming into me again, fucking me with the same speed, pace and pressure as he started me with. Hungrily, angrily, passionately that I stopped talking and just bit my lip. God, it felt so good. It felt so fucking good.
We went for a few more minutes like that and then I started squeezing it in, applying muscle control to surround his thick, long dick with my hot and wet insides. The moment he felt me get tighter, he began to grunt and moan louder. Soon, he began holding on, his short fingernails burying themselves into my skin on my hips.
"Shit, I’m coming." he breathed out. "Uhhhhh, fuck baby i’m coming…"
It wasn’t long after he felt his arrival build up that I felt my own start, as well. But he didn’t stop thrusting. It got sloppy, the pace. His depth and pressure started to get out of rhythm, and he started breathing heavier, louder. Oh but it was no less amazing.
Moments later, Sergio and I found our release. Feeling his thick cum swim inside me, and with a loud moan of pleasure, I also let go of mine.
I felt his arms wrap themselves around me waist before pulling me to him, and letting both of us crash back on the sofa in a tight embrace.
"Damn, I love you." he whispered as he buried his face in my neck. "I love you so fucking much." It was only then when he’d come when I realized the liquor seemed to kick back in.
And he’s tired, I thought to myself. He’s exhausted. He’s drunk and exhausted.
The loss of our baby was a rough a patch and it took a toll on him. And a loss of life, whichever way you look at it, is always devastating. It ruined the plans of a frustrated dad. It was too much for Sergio to handle. Oh but I never lost faith. Keeping my distance didn’t mean I had given up. I could never do that. I believed the old Sergio was still in there somewhere, and I trusted it would surface again. I believed it wasn’t hopeless for him to change back to his old self.
Maybe the challenges we’d been through in this relationship and the short time we spent apart was enough, I thought to myself, as I planted a soft kiss on his forehead. Maybe it was time we got back together so I can be there for him and see him through this.
"I love you, too, Sergio." I whispered as I stroke his hair. "And baby, let’s try harder this time, okay?"
His face never leaving my neck, he mumbled. “We will, Maria.”
I’d lost track of how long it took me to blink after that. And the moment I did, that single tear that was supposed to fall a while ago, finally rolled down my flushed cheek.
For my name was not Maria.