I sat for about an hour by the porch, trying to make out whether I just imagined the whole thing or not.
"Was that really her? Was she really just here? Is she really back?"
I didn’t know how to feel. I didn’t know what to think. I was in shock, I didn’t know how to react in her presence. Fuck, I didn’t even think I’d ever see her again.
She’s still so god. damn. beautiful.
No, really, I almost felt my heart jump out of my chest. I didn’t think I’d get still get lost looking into those mesmerizing round brown eyes, you know? Her pretty pink lips, shit, I’d know how soft those are. Also, her jet black hair that fell just right on her shoulders have now grown longer, but it didn’t lessen the charm she had.
Three years and I’m still smitten. Although she has changed, yeah she actually changed a lot. She no longer wears eye glasses and there are no more green and blue shades on her locks like she used to have. Her skin has tanned, she’s taller with heels on, and she wears normal clothes now.
Yeah, I saw those DSquared jeans she was donning and she looked hot in that leather jacket, by the way.
See, rewinding back to three years ago, Pam was little odd. I remember she liked to paint, a little crafty, she made her own bracelets. Odie loved her and I wasn’t surprised, Pam loved dogs and was an animal lover in general. She even adopted a cat but it died a few days later. Pam was into the whole idea of supporting causes, and she had a soft spot for the less fortunate. I think that’s why she wanted to be a teacher. She believed education was every child’s right. So yeah, Pam was a bit strange, but she knew a lot. She was expressive, she had a good heart, and she saw beauty in everything.
And that’s what I fell in love with. Truly. The first time we met, I already knew she was someone special. And when we started going out, she proved me right. Being who I am, Pam helped keep my feet on the ground, and she never let me forget who I was. She was younger by four years but it didn’t even matter, she understood me, sometimes more than I understood myself. And that’s when I said ’I need her in my life’. I said ‘I’m gonna fucking marry this girl’.
And I almost did.
But then, she left me.
So really, how should I be feeling right now? She shows up here, with that whole Just-Saying-Hello-How-Are-You shit she had going? I mean dammit, ”I just want to see how you are doing, Sergio.” Well, fuck. She wants to see how I’m doing? Fine. I’m shit. How about that?
You know, it took me years to try but until now, I still can’t understand why she left without even having the decency to tell me. I had to find out through a fucking a letter? Did she honestly think I’d believe her note after what she’s done? Did she honestly think I’d expect her to “come back” and want a “second chance” with me when she just actually went here and practically shoved it up my face that she’s doing fine without me? She didn’t even want to talk about what happened to our baby, for fuck’s sake.
And that’s not even the most painful part.
When I told her I was dating someone, fuck, it killed me to even say that lie but what did she say? She said “that’s great!”. I mean come on, is she kidding me? Is she fucking kidding me?! So please, can someone just tell me how the fuck I should be taking this?!
I sat in the porch for two hours and a half.
I had an awful lot to think about, it seemed. And so after I realized that my emotional monologue of feelings lasted longer than a legit entire movie, I finally stood up and went in. I threw myself on the couch and just pretty much sat there.
"Aw, fuck. Not now."
I felt no need to look at the screen, really. No one else would be calling me at this time, on a week day, except for one person.
“Yeah what.” I lazily greeted.
“Hola, Sergio!” Her voice was too…cheerful. Too cheerful it was irritating. Kinda like an alarm clock that was set to wake you up in a weird hour.
“Que pasa?” I said, yawning. I put my feet up the center table and took off my shoes.
“Haces algo esta noche? Puedo pasar por tu casa?” she asked. I found myself silently groaning in my head as I rolled my eyes at this, and really, it’s the same thing everytime.
“Umm…Estoy en el medio de algo. Podría llevarme horas … tal vez la próxima vez?” I replied. And yes, I tried to sound nice.
“Oh, esta bien…” she sounded frustrated, but I didn’t entertain the obvious notification. I just apologized again, said goodbye and hung up.
Sorry but I wasn’t really in the mood to party. Or to do anything.
But okay, don’t get me wrong, it’s got nothing to do with her. Carla, she’s okay. Harmless, fun, and well, she’s okay. We met when I moved into the neighborhood and into this fucking house I bought for Pam. She lived next door, brought me lasagna on my first day and well, she seemed nice. I guess the fact that it was that time when Pam disappeared without a word played a role, when Carla and I started hanging out for a few drinks out in town. I was too messed up, maybe, I was desperate and depressed and she was there and well, you get the drift.
After that one night, though, which I didn’t even enjoy to the slightest, to be honest, Carla’s been calling and calling and inviting me over. And whenever I say no, which is virtually all the time, she shows up on my door. Sad to say, I have to turn her down everytime. I mean, she’s great and all, but…she’s not for me.
Yeah, yeah, I lied to Pam about that. I let her think I’m dating and all, I mean come on, if she wouldn’t let me save our relationship, at least I’d save my face, right?
Even if it hurts.
I don’t know, seeing Pam unthreatened by the idea that I am dating was just a little too much to take. It was like nailing a broken piece of glass straight into my chest, you know? And just the thought of her hanging out with some guy boils my blood while she stood there knowing I’m dating and doesn’t even care, shit, i don’t know anymore.
It’s a sad thought, isn’t it?
That’s why the longer I sat there thinking, the more I figured. I figured I’d rather have that. If she refuses me because she thinks I’m in a relationship, I can take that. But if she refuses me because she just doesn’t love me anymore, well then you can just go ahead and kill me now.
And so I took the phone and called Carla back.
She picked up in a ring and a half.
“Hola, Carla, listen, just a quick question. Are you free on Saturday?”
I could almost picture her face when she let out a thrilled “Si! Claro que si!”
"Good." I said. ”My friends and I are getting together and I’d like for you to go with me.”
"Ooooh, like a party?" She sounded excited. She usually always is.
"Yes." I confirmed. "An old friend is back in town."
I’m not being defensive and I’m not being an ass. But if Pamela is determined not to pick up where we left off and just move on, then I’ll show her how Sergio Ramos moves on.
To be continued…